Regular Checkups: Not Just for Your Car
The New York Times recently compiled seven questions couples should regularly ask themselves to keep their relationship running smoothly. To dig a little deeper, two Belgian relationship experts weighed in on how this ‘relationship maintenance’ could make all the difference.
Take British chef Nadiya Hussain, for example. As she revealed on a podcast, she and her husband do a daily check-in: sometimes he might say his day was a 9 out of 10, while she might score it a 6—« because he was a bit grumpy in the afternoon ». This type of near real-time assessment might sound a little intense, but according to relationship therapist and author of Staying Connected, Alfons Vansteenwegen, regular check-ins could be the secret to a long-lasting relationship.
« When you’re in love, everything seems to happen naturally, but no matter how compatible you are, there will always be differences, and you need to learn how to manage them, »
Vansteenwegen knows a thing or two about this, having worked with four to eight couples per day during his career—over two thousand couples in total!
The Need for Updates and Subtitles
Living together doesn’t just mean sharing your space—you end up sharing a bit of your brain. Over time, you might start to anticipate what your partner thinks and feels. Convenient, right? Well, not always. As Vansteenwegen points out, it’s still impossible to know exactly what’s going on in your partner’s mind every moment of the day. Plus, since we’re all constantly evolving, we need a little update occasionally. After all, conversations can dwindle as the years tick by.
Katrien Koolen, relationship therapist and author of Love in the Tropics, elaborates:
« We know how the other looks, their body language—and we interpret every sigh or frown. But is that interpretation accurate? No matter how much time you’ve spent together, couples also spend a lot of time apart, and everyone still lives in their own head and body. Sure, it’s lovely if your partner remembers how you like your coffee, but it’s better to keep an open mind: we change all the time, even our thoughts. Relationships are kind of like Chinese movies. You think you know what’s happening, but it’s only when you read the subtitles that you realise you didn’t get everything. So as a couple, you need to regularly provide subtitles for each other—share what’s going on inside your head. That way, you keep getting to know each other, because you never fully are your partner—you become so a little more every day. That’s why you should regularly check in with your partner. Sometimes a simple ‘hey, how are you?’ suffices; sometimes, you need more. »
When Perceptions Freeze—And the Distance Creeps In
Our mental image of our partner can become fixed, warns Vansteenwegen.
« And that can go quite far. Sometimes couples who have been together for a long time will say: ‘You say white, but I know you mean black.’ But sometimes, the other really does mean white. We create this image in our heads of our partner that might not match reality. »
Koolen adds that people sometimes say they’ve grown apart, as if it just happened to them, rather than being something they played a role in.
« In reality, emotional distance creeps into your relationship if you don’t seek each other out enough and if you don’t talk about what matters. In a couple, each partner is an ‘I’, and to be a good ‘we’, you need to stay in sync at all times. Otherwise, you can sit right next to each other on the couch, yet be ten miles apart emotionally, with no bridge between you. And no, you don’t always need to have heavy, therapeutic conversations, but the subtitles matter—otherwise, you’ll miss out on too much. »
How to Get Back in Sync?
One way to remedy this? Try answering, together, the seven key questions highlighted by The New York Times—provided you agree on your answers, of course! (No pressure…)
Vansteenwegen stresses that relationships deserve to be taken seriously—yes, that means investing real time. He suggests planning regular « question sessions »:
« Probably yes, because nowadays we live life at a hundred miles per hour, and we have to create the right conditions for a proper talk, otherwise we simply won’t make time to speak to each other. »
His tips? A good starting point, a little preparation, making sure you won’t be disturbed, establishing eye contact, and discussing one issue at a time.
But between young children, work worries, or caring for an aging parent, finding time to connect isn’t always natural, as Koolen also points out:
« You’re busy, sitting next to each other on the sofa, but just too tired for a conversation. Or maybe you don’t want to have that kind of talk with little kids or teenagers around. »
As for how to do it, there’s room for flexibility:
« Sitting at the table with a duty to talk doesn’t always work. You could decide to run through the questions during a long car ride, on a walk, or even while you tidy up the garage together. I think physical activity—even as simple as cleaning—helps make the situation less tense. »
Sometimes, waiting until your thoughts or feelings are clearer can help—but be careful, Koolen cautions. You might miss your chance:
« In therapy I use the example of purple trees. In your head, a small purple tree sprouts and you say nothing. Week after week, you add another tree, and then suddenly, your partner is confronted with an entire purple forest. It’s unsettling for them. A slight change from your partner isn’t usually a problem. But when you suddenly reveal big changes, it raises questions: Who are you really? Are you someone completely different from who I’ve always thought you were? That can be very destabilizing. »
So, don’t wait too long to give your significant other an occasional peek under the hood—or, more accurately, into your head and heart, the true engines of a relationship built to last.
Related articles you might find interesting:
- What if your repeated heartbreaks are linked to limerence?
- In a world of polyamory, is monogamy the boldest choice?
- Love or emotional dependency? 8 signs you might be addicted to love
John is a curious mind who loves to write about diverse topics. Passionate about sharing his thoughts and perspectives, he enjoys sparking conversations and encouraging discovery. For him, every subject is an invitation to discuss and learn.
